AN OPEN LETTER

To whom it may concern,

I haven't written very much in the last couple of months. I think I'm afraid to write because to write I have to be introspective, and lately, I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm also just constantly tired, and it's hard to set the time aside to deal with whatever comes up. I often avoid things that are hard.

I'm not in the healthiest mental state. I cried a lot the past couple of days. I ate one meal today. Life feels a little pointless. I don't necessarily feel depressed but it's hard to understand why I'm still here. I know these thoughts come and go but what value do I bring? What am I supposed to be doing? I live my life for the weekends but then feel bored and restless, waiting to be busy again. I'm always tired. I don't think I'm fun to be around, I have nothing exciting to say. I feel like I don't have value. I'm so loud and take up too much space.

I'm losing people from my life and it makes me question my worth. I feel so much love and I'm always afraid it's unreciprocated. I don't understand why people want to be around me.

My insignificance in the world looms large, hanging over me. I get jealous because I don't trust easily and am afraid of being abandoned. I don't understand why people like me or want me around. I feel insecure almost all of the time.

I can be rash and emotional. I lash out when I'm hurting. I feel unlovable and am bracing for the day I find out it's true. I take it personally when I'm not told things and left out.

I feel in a constant state of guilt because I should be happy, and more grateful. I shouldn't complain, I should be secure, I shouldn't be wasting away my youth. I'm tired of feeling this way but I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry that I think this way. I'm sorry that I'm difficult. I'm sorry that I'm not enough. I'm sorry that I'm sorry.

I'm hoping to write more, more than just a quarterly update on the state of my silly brain.

Speak soon x