A little New Year ramble from your resident shit-talker. 2023 taught me a lot, I learnt so much about myself. It was a year of healing. I've never been one to journal, I had a diary for about six months in year 11, but other than that I've tried numerous times and it never stuck. But, every year for the past four years I've taken the time to answer the same eight questions every new year, to reflect and set intentions. So I thought I'd share what I realised about last year/myself/anything/everything with you, my virtual diary of sorts.
2022 was the worst year of my life, it was the year I got diagnosed with depression, although not till December, so evidently, 2023 was a year of recovery. I had to learn how to enjoy life again. It took me a long time, honestly, it's only been in the last four months or so that I've felt happy, like myself again, and importantly, in control. Whilst being on anti-depressants has helped immeasurably, I think they can only do so much. I had a lot of self-growth to do, I didn't like the person I was and I didn't care about myself. Those things take active work to mend. I had to try and care about myself again, understand how to love myself and relearn why I have value. It took a long time and it wasn't easy. Being depressed altered the person that I was, and I am not proud of that person. I didn't like that person. I lashed out and hurt people. I didn't care about anything, I had to unlearn that and work through the parts of myself that I hated and was ashamed of.
I'm coming into 2024 in a much better place. But shit is still hard, I still struggle, and have bad days. Some days I'm deathly insecure and others I'm untouchable. It's also a year of change, and if you know me, I hate that shit. I hate when things are out of my control. I hate feeling trapped. I have to say lots of goodbyes and see you soons. It's not something I'm used to, and it's hard for me. Change that's out of my control, makes me feel crazy. I hate this feeling of constantly missing people. It sucks. There's no way to avoid it, it's painful all the time. And I'm grateful to have such love in my life that there's so much to miss but wow it's rough.
I learned a lot in 2023, and whilst I love to set goals, most of them are private for now. Except for this one - to be myself, which sounds simple, but for me is not easy. I mould and bend my personality, thoughts, opinions, feelings and actions to placate others. I make myself small to be liked and avoid conflict. Well actually, I don't really know why I do it but I think those are probably the most likely causes. Being around people who don't make me feel that way opened my eyes. Basically, this is the year that people can fuck off if they don't like me, the real me. It's too miserable of a feeling trying to squash the parts of myself that aren't easily digestible.
My final musing is that growing up is strange and hard and scary and beautiful and exciting and terrifying and unexpected and so much more. I'm excited to see who I become.
Now to my favourite part - Emily's 2024 Ins and Outs
In
Morning routines
Self-reflection
Looking ugly (embracing how I look no matter what)
Budgeting
Reading before bed
Stretching
Asking questions
Striking up conversation
Keeping in touch
Holding hands
Saying I love you
Fun activities after work
Cherry red
Going the speed limit
Comfort
Being cringe
NYT crosswords
Out
Shitty tasting alcohol
Consumerism
Tight pants
Being mean
Self-hatred
Pining
Projecting
Clutter
Looking in mirrors
Imbalanced hormones
Jealousy
Being quiet
Impracticality
Strapless bras, actually, bras in general
Frowning
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