IS IT ENOUGH?

I never liked the idea of relationships, even as a kid. Despite my parents' 30+ years together, it always made me uncomfortable to hear them talk about being in love. I can't pinpoint why or where that came from but it has translated throughout my adolescence, teenage years and into adulthood. I've never been one to want a relationship and never felt a desire to pursue one. I could never understand the benefit it would bring to my life unless it was the exact right person who met my unrealistically high expectations. This is different from the way a lot of people think, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just how I've always thought.

For the most part, I've been okay with that. In high school, most of the time, I didn't feel like I was missing out, but there was always an underlying sense of grief that this was something I was 'supposed' to experience even though it was not something I wanted enough to go after myself. Not living up to this teenage romance struck hard in university when my friends began to get into more serious relationships and I was jealous even though personally it never felt like something that I needed in my life.

What is getting to me at the moment, what prompted these thoughts is the realisation that we're getting past the point of teenage love. Previously, the friends I knew in relationships were in ones that I knew weren't going to work out. From an outside perspective (yes it's controversial to judge other's relationships but honestly, I often do) I knew they wouldn't last, and whilst forever is not the point of every relationship, these would end and my friends would go back to being single. Our friendship would re-establish itself the way friendships do after a break-up. When people are in a relationship there is this tendency (natural or not - I could discuss this for hours) to deprioritise other aspects of life to prioritise the relationship; often friendships come at the expense of this. When they were single again it was like okay, I am more a part of your life again. You can feel the shift.

I am now getting to a stage in my life where the friends I have around me are getting into relationships that I think will work out, they're meeting their forever partners. That is difficult for me to process because I no longer can chalk it off as 'they're not right for you'; that doesn't exist anymore because it's not true. It's confusing and complicated because it's making me realise I want a relationship too.

That's something difficult for me to admit, many of you may know how big of a statement that is for me to make. I feel frustrated and upset at the way society has warped my brain and is changing my expectations and position on relationships. The reason I want to be in a relationship is because much like everyone else I want to be valued, prioritised and loved. These are thoughts I think most perpetually single people - happy to be or not - consider. Personally, I don't think those feelings need to come from a relationship but I am getting worried that I won't feel fulfilled without one. I've been so happy and loved in my life by those around me, but once everyone has their forever person, what happens to me?

I've always hated the narrative that we naturally grow apart from friends, but I see it in the lives of adults around me. I don't want that to be my life, I don't believe a relationship and a nuclear family have to be everything, that it should be everything. This is the most difficult part of my mindset surrounding relationships. Knowing that personally, friendships are very much the central avenue through which I experience love, support and happiness but knowing that this is rarely reciprocated. It's hard for me to understand where I fit into people's lives when this is the case, I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop.

What I am getting at, in a long-winded way, is that I now want a relationship because I'm resigning myself to the fact that if I don't end up in one I will end up alone. It's a defence mechanism, I feel my thought patterns shifting because of the fear that I will not be loved enough. And yes, there is this narrative that being on your own is something to celebrate, but in reality, humans rely on social connection. We are not meant to be alone and whilst it does not have to be a relationship, we need to be loved.

Yes, I am good on my own, but I still want to be prioritised, and I am scared I will only find this in a partner, is it the only way to be emotionally fulfilled? In my life, right now, it is not, but I fear that my friendships will change and I will be left alone once they find their person. I was always an advocate that this didn't have to be the case, that love and value don't need to come from a relationship, but what if it does? I am terrified that it does.

It's embarrassing, it feels like I am giving up, that I should get into a relationship to feel loved the way I want to be. I can't hold it against anyone, it's no one's fault, I want my friends to be happy and their relationships make them so happy which in turn makes me happy. But inside I want to scream. Maybe prioritising romantic relationships is a natural part of life, and they have more value than friendships. But I don't feel that way, well I do a little when I have a crush, romance feels different, but it is not as natural or important to me I think. It's not something that I sought after; if I wanted a relationship I know I could be in one but I never wanted to put time or effort into something that I didn't see much point in. That's different, I know that, but if this is how I think then what am I supposed to do next? I don't want to be lonely, I want to be loved, and fuck, does that mean I have to be in a relationship.

This is where I really start to spiral, I love to second guess myself and make myself embarrassed of my own thoughts. Am I justified or am I just delusional? What if I end up in a relationship and abandon my friends (some of you may say it's inevitable)? I am scared of admitting these things because what if it's true, what if we're all the same, that we all neglect friendships and only feel truly loved in a relationship? I am scared I'll turn out to be a hypocrite (shout out to my other addictive personality girls out there).

Adding insult to injury, some of my friendships feel romantic (again this is my experience, and won't be the same for everyone). Here's the thing, I've fallen in love with friends, brought them flowers, written love letters, taken care of them while they're sick, held hands, fallen asleep in each other's arms; some friends I've kissed, and often we choose to share a bed. There can be a blurred line between platonic and romantic love, each looks different to everyone in so many ways. Love cannot (in my humble opinion) be defined into a box or a term. My friendships have a romance to them, the ones that feel romantic have a deeper love, connection and understanding. Maybe romance is inherent to fulfilment because romance can manifest differently. Sex can often be separate from romantic love, and so love can be separate from sex despite their common interlinkage. And so what if we're just thinking about what it means to be loved too narrowly? We grow up with this idea that we are meant to find the one and yet 50% of marriages end in divorce. I get frustrated that my brain has been conditioned this way because it might not be true. But then I spin myself in circles again thinking that I am just being delusional and over analysing everything.

Will it have been enough if I end up alone, knowing that I am loved but never as someone's person? Why do I have this obsession with being the most loved by someone, the most valued, the most needed? Is that an illusion? Will my friendships be enough, will the time I spent with them and the love I felt be enough? Is it enough?