I've been reflecting on my life at the moment, processing how exhausted I am. A lot of the time I feel unable to focus on anything or enjoy life outside the weekends. Even then I feel hollow. I feel agitated that I don't have time to do anything I want to do, and I feel stagnant. Writing a blog post has been on my to-do list for so long, I have ideas but I don't have the mental energy or the time. I have things to say, but I don't know how to say them. I am hoping to get back into the swing of things and make more time for the things I enjoy. I haven't been eating properly. I find it hard to take care of myself. I have low energy.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the paths we take, how every decision is supposedly the right decision and leads to somewhere. I have been contemplating all my choices that have culminated into the way I think, who I interact with, what I like and dislike, where I am, and how it all could've been different. Where would I have ended up? I don't know what I believe in most of the time, but I do believe we're all just a compilation of every choice we make, every interaction and conversation we have as well as circumstance and chance. I like the idea that we are a mosaic of everyone we have ever loved. I think there's an inevitability in becoming more alike with people you love, learning, growing and changing with them.
I do wonder what people think of me, not necessarily in a negative way, but out of curiosity. Curiosity about who people think I am and what they think I'm like. In what ways is my perception of myself different from others?
It's strange reaching a point in your life where people come and go more frequently. I'm changing as a person, everyone is changing, relationships change, and people drift apart or grow closer. In my eyes, these changes in relationships are often interlinked with self-discovery, the paths that you take and what you value. I find it hard to accept this, I've never been good with change. And the people-pleaser in me doesn't like losing people, I prolong things, I want to be liked and it's hard for me to let go of people and situations. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice, or of someone thinking negatively of me. I hate letting people down.
Overall, I feel in a constant juxtaposition. I feel happy and depressingly sad, I feel content and restless, I feel loved and lonely, I feel purposeful and pointless, I feel grateful and selfish. This is such a turbulent and overwhelming time in my life. My life from here on out is completely up to me, and that is terrifying.
Am I making the right choices?
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